BEST ACTRESS

§ Mr Giles! I can’t believe the S’cubies have kidnapped us, and tied us up! What sort of demons are they? What are their plans for us?? Why is there an envelope in my hands?

§ They aren’t demons, you twit. It’s worse than that. They’re Spike fans.

§ Spike?? Fans of the vampire infamous for killing two Slayers? Who knows what they are capable of!

§ I agree. So let’s do as they ask. They want us to present the Cutie Award for Best Actress. See those two S’cubies over there – that pixish one, and the one looking fresh as spring? They’re holding up those cue cards for us to read. I will begin: The first nominee is Ms Kristen Bell, as Veronica, on Veronica Mars. Hmmm. I believe she would make a very capable Slayer.

§ Yes, if we needed yet another stubborn, smart-mouthed Slayer. Oh! That pixish S’cubie is looking a bit impatient. Let me move right along to the next nominee: Kelly Rowan as Kirsten, on The OC. Oh, my. She is very attractive, isn’t she? Do you suppose she’s about my age?

§ Yes, about. But for God’s sake man, you have the emotional maturity of a blueberry scone. She’s too old for you. Next is the lovely Lauren Graham as Lorelei in Gilmore Girls . . .

§ Followed by Yunjin Kim as Sun, in Lost. Very beautiful. Ethereal, don’t you think?

§ She’s told old for you, too. And lastly, Jennifer Garner as Sydney, in Alias. Now, you may open the envelope.

§ Very well. But - do you suppose those two S’cubies will let us go when we’re done? Or . . . ?

§ Just open the envelope.

§ Done. But I can’t bring my hands to the front!

§ Turn around, let me see. Ah. The winner is . . .