by Rob Sorenson

As it turned out, Spike's memory was excellent. "The Magic Of Manhattan" <pretty cool name,> Willow thought, was on the corner of Sixth Avenue and 57th St, just a few short blocks from the Warwick Hotel, where they were to cautiously rendezvous with the others in 90 minutes.

It had occurred to Faith that the Council probably had the hotel under surveillance. Willow had grudgingly acknowledged this insight and they'd actually gone a bit further away from the hotel, sitting in a quiet corner of an all night coffee shop with a little over an hour to kill after she made the necessary purchases for a locator spell to find Xander.

"What happens after we get to the hotel?" Willow was slightly startled to hear Faith's voice, unnaturally loud. Uncomfortable silence had pretty much ruled since they'd caught the cab to the Magic Shop, and Faith was clearly tired of the pretense.

"Well, we have to find way to get in undetected first, since Dawn and the others are still going to look like us and we want them observed checking in. Spike said he could handle that part. Apparently he spent a lot of time at the hotel back in his leisure suit days."

"Spike wore leisure suits?"

"W-Well, I'm sure they were evil leisure suits."

"I've seen 'em, Red. They were ALL evil."

"Are you always going to call me that?"

"Why, does it bother you?"

"Yes it bothers me quite a bit, actually."

"In that case. I'd have to go with yeah.

Willow sighed inwardly and looked out toward the darkened streets of the Upper West Side. Generally speaking, this was a middle to upper class neighborhood, though neither woman was aware of that. On the other hand, how often to you see a Starbuck's on the bad side of town....outside of Sunnydale, of course. There was really no good side to speak of there, though that was beginning to change.

Her eye caught a woman staggering slightly up the street, with slightly torn fishnet stockings and a leather skirt that had seen better days. The Wiccan had seen darkness beyond comprehension in her short life; she'd perpretrated a good bit of her own. Still, the sight of a middle aged woman trying to maintain an alluring appearance under a crack-induced haze was a sight Willow would happily avoid.

"That's a whore."

From their corner booth they had similar vantage points; Faith had picked up Willow's vibe and followed her gaze.

Willow flicked her eyes toward the brunette Slayer, who gave her a stone faced stare in return.

"Thank you Faith...I was aware of that." Her eyes fell toward her latte. "About that...what I said..."

"Hey, it's ok. I was one."

"Still...I shouldn't have--

"I'm not any more."

Willow met Faith's eyes again, uncertain how to respond. In the end, she just nodded slightly and the moment passed in silence.

A loud rumble was making it's way down the street, briefly drowning out the hissing sounds of the overworked espresso machines. As it passed by, it gave Faith a welcome distraction from the awkwardness.

"Now that's what I'm talkin' about. Right friggin there." Willow hadn't been paying close attention, and had missed what Faith had seen thundering in front of their window. She was straining her neck to try to catch a glimpse when Faith spoke again, in a small voice Willow had only recently heard from her before.

"Xander was going to get me one for Christmas."

"Get you what?"

"A Hog."

"A what now?"

"A Hog."

"Do you have some sort of obsession with fresh ham and bacon I should know about?

"Not THAT kind of hog. You know what a V-Twin is?"

Willow had a finger on her chin, eyes cast toward the ceiling. "That's the thing Nixon did when he resigned before he went on Air Force One, isn't it?"

"What in the blue Hell are you talking about? A Hog. A Harley. A Harley-Davidson motorcycle with a specially designed engine that looks like a letter V--" she narrowed her eyes. "And you know exactly what I'm talking about, don't you?"

Willow nodded with a grin. "Yep."

"God, you're just like him."

They fell silent again for a moment. Their shared sense of fear reared it's ugly head yet again. <What is it Xander used to say? We're up Worry Street and we're about to cross with Panic Avenue,> Willow thought.

"How do you know what Xander was getting you for Christmas?"

"Spike let it slip. Apparently he helped Xander shop around for it. Not that THAT gave me any good feelings. That putz owns a Yamaha. I mean really, just because you've got a chip in your head and a soul to follow, does that mean you gotta have a wussy ride? Buffy's got money now, for Christ's sake. Use it to help the man find some dignity."

Willow was staring at her. Faith shrugged. "I'm just saying...."

"What did you mean when you said I was just like him?"

"I meant what I said. Xand does little things to bug me all the time, to the point that I want to smack the crap out of him. It's like he gets off on frustrating me. When I finally figure out that he's screwing with me, he gets this little grin on his face."

Willow couldn't help but smile. She knew that grin oh so well.

"For a while it was annoying. Then I realized he was only doing it..."

"When you were upset about something?", Willow finished. <Standard Xander Procedure: when his girls are unhappy, do whatever it takes to make them forget for a minute.>

Faith was nodding in shared understanding. "Right. In the first few months we lived together-"

"You LIVED together?"

"Not officially. He spent as much time at B's as he does mine. Still does, in fact." She sensed building resentment in the Wiccan. "Anyway, for the first few months, I didn't get the pattern. Once I did, I figured two could play that game. When he starts to mess with me now, I've got a guaranteed way to get his ass back."

Willow wanted to be mad, but she couldn't help herself and took the bait. "Like what?"

"I'm not gonna be specific. Let's just say it wipes the grin off his face for about 15 minutes and leaves him smiling." Faith smirked as she took a sip of her double shot.

"Are you trying to piss me off again?"

"Do you think I give a rat's ass if I piss you off?"

"I could turn you into a rat's ass if I wanted to."

"Yeah, I know. Somehow Xander would find out about that, I think. Let's put the empty threats away, ok? I've heard worse things from better people."

"God, you are so arrogant sometimes. I realize you had a tough time and everything.."

The Slayer's eyes flashed. "A tough time? A TOUGH TIME? You don't know jack shit about tough. Tough is being bounced around like a beach ball for the first ten years of your life. Tough is having to make your own way by walking around in second hand fishnets that stink of cheap cologne and sweat because you can't afford to live in a place with running water. Tough is being told you're some kind of world savior when the world has done nothing to save you.

"Tough is when your first Watcher is murdered in front of you and go to a town where everyone's had it easy--compared to you--and they expect you to blend in without asking why you can't trust anyone. This after your second Watcher tries to kill you and calls you an idiot in front of everyone. Tough is when you figure out far too late that the guy who takes the time to actually care about you is a demon bent on destroying the world, and by then you don't car because at least it's something...and when you're desperate your standards drop in a hurry. Tough is when you go to prison and have to defend yourself from stuff that happened to you when you were eleven. Talk about coming full circle. What do you know about tough?"

Faith raised a shaking hand to her lips, sipping the now cold espresso. Willow didn't speak for several long moments.

"Xander and I used to play doctor when we were in elementary and junior high. At least that's what we called it. In truth it wasn't a game. I wasn't just playing; I learned more about first aid when I was eight years old than most nurses ever will because Xander wouldn't trust anyone else to take care of him. I'd stitch him up after getting hit with a whiskey bottle. I'd put cold compresses on his bruises. I used to steal pain medication from my father's medicine cabinet so Xander could have just enough relief to cry himself to sleep in my arms.

I guess I don't know tough like you do. I DO know it, though. I've done and seen things that no one at any age should see, never mind in their whole lifetime. I had my lover's blood splatter on me after she was shot to death. For that, I ripped the skin off her murderer's bloody carcass, and a part of me is still glad I did it. Tough isn't anything new to me."

It was the first time either had heard aloud what the other had gone through; at least directly from one another. Once again, prolonged silence ensued.

"I think it's about time to go."

Willow looked at her watch. "I think you're right." They stood and proceeded to the door, stopping to toss the remnants of their coffee into the trash. The redhead stopped just short of the exit and turned toward Faith.

"I love him, you know."

"Of course I know that, Red. Look....I love him too. More than you may ever realize. I don't expect you to like it; Xander needs you to live with it."

"Let's get him out of here for now. It's all I want to focus on."

"Fair enough."

They made their way out into the still-busy street, slowly strolling down the sidewalk toward the rendezvous point when Faith spoke while looking away from her.

"He was lucky to have you back then. I didn't have anybody."

"I guess you do now."

She gave Willow a long look. "Yeah. I guess I do. We're not going to hug or anything, right?"

"I highly doubt it."

"Ok, cool. How's about we make a deal. You and I don't hug until we see Spike and Xander hugging."

Willow couldn't stop the smile from invading her lips. "I'd say we're safe for a while."

"That was the idea."

The females who shared more than anyone could realize made their way down the street, toward a future that, while uncertain, was at least hopeful for the first time.

***************************************************************

"Do you think it worked?"

"Do I think what worked?"

"Having Willow and Faith go off together. You're not going to try and tell me that that wasn't intentional, are you?"

Buffy just shrugged with a slight smile on her face.

"You've really come along way when it comes to being a leader. I'm proud of you."

Buffy turned to him and rewarded him with a loving kiss. parting her lips just a fraction. She wasn't really into public displays, but she'd told herself she'd make a concerted effort to show her feelings more often. Yet another reason for which she had to thank Xander.

Spike had sensed her giving an inch and proceeded to try to take a mile when Buffy pulled away. "Down boy. We don't have time and you know it."

"Yeah, yeah. Tease."

"I'll make it up to you when this is over." Buffy's _expression turned serious at that, feeling guilty that she was stealing kisses from Spike on Sixth Avenue when Xander could be dying somewhere within a few miles from where they were standing.

Spike gently fingered a wisp of Buffy's hair from her cheek to it's rightful place behind her ear as he spoke softly to her.

"We're going to find him. Willow always comes through for us."

She shook her head. "I don't doubt Willow....at least not her power. It's Travers that worries me. On that tape...this guy always bugged me, but he never attacked me directly. He threatened Giles once--looking back on it, I should've kicked his ass for that--but he's always wanted me to work for him before. I got the impression from that video that he wanted to end me. You?"

Spike clenched his fists and managed to avoid vamping out on the crowded street, but just barely. He ran one hand through his blonde hair and took a deep breath. "Yeah, I'd guess this isn't a test."

Buffy saw his mood and attempted to lighten the mood. "Hey, since you know the city and we've got an hour to get to the hotel, can we ride the subway? I've never had the chance to be ride one, and since we're here-"

"No."

"No?"

"That's what I said."

Buffy couldn't help herself. She'd grown a lot in the last couple of years, but one thing that would never change was a strong dislike of being told what to do. "Why not?"

"I don't want to."

"You're going to have to do better than that."

He pulled his hand out of her grasp and walked faster, saying nothing. Buffy caught up to him and put a hand on his shoulder, applying enough of her considerable strength to stop him.

"Hey. I'm talking to you. Don't walk away from me."

He spun on her. "Why, are you going to kick my ass? Can't it ever be enough that I don't want to bloody do something? Do you have to get your way all the time?"

She was completely thrown by his change in attitude, and was beginning to get angry. "What is your problem? Don't get your duster in a bind." His eyes widened at that; a look of pain ever so briefly clouding his face.

Clearly attempting to hold himself in check, he shook her off and resumed walking quickly. Buffy could feel herself getting really pissed now, and she didn't have the slightest idea why. This time she maneuvered herself directly in front of him, hands on hips. "Are you gonna tell me what's causing you to give me the Sixth Avenue Freeze Out, because gotta say, not liking the 'Ignore Buffy' bit."

Spike shouted through gritted teeth. "I don't.....want.....to ride the damned subway!! Is that so complicated? Do you want me to sodding spell it!?"

The Slayer's personality was rapidly making it's way to the forefront, but with an effort Buffy forced it back. She slid her eyes slowly back and forth involuntarily and saw no one looking directly at them, and she refocused on him, speaking very softly as she did so.

"Why are you shouting at me?"

Spike returned her stare, and for a long moment nothing was said. Finally, unable to withstand her penetrating gaze any longer he looked to the alley next to them and walked toward it.

Buffy just followed him without a word. She knew her William well; it was just a matter of patience now. Something had him wigged, and he wasn't one to do that kind of thing lightly.

Spike stopped, his back to Buffy as he stared at the dark brick edifice before him. He spoke to her without turning around, the first sentence chilling Buffy's blood.

"I fed with Dru in here once. Coupla Studio 54 wannabes all loopy on Quaaludes. We told 'em there was a club down at the end of this alley. Stupid gits followed us right in."

Buffy didn't know where he was going with this....but she knew she had to hear it. She simply waited.

"One night we had a row because she'd sensed Angelus' presence in the city, and she decided she was going to track him down and rescue daddy. Daddy was lost, she said. He was blinded by white clad Angels stabbing him in the eyes or some such rubbish. I can't honestly remember any more."

Buffy was stunned. She hadn't even known Angel had been to New York. Of course, Angel had never been very forward with his past any more than Spike was. She got that. She didn't exactly relish discussing sending her lover to Hell, either. Some memories were best left alone. She was about to tell him that it didn't matter, but he continued before she could speak.

"So, I was royally pissed off, right? I told her she could go on her little 'rescue the freak' mission on her own. I was here to have fun, and if there's one thing Angel never was--soul or no soul--it was fun. Plus I was jealous as all Hell that she wanted him more than me. Some things just come full circle, don't they?"

Buffy knew full well what THAT reference meant, and was about to respond when he turned his head to her, half his pale, beautiful face visible under the dim lights, holding up his hand.

"You wanted to hear this. I'm going to tell you. Let me do it my own way. Please."

She closed her mouth and nodded.

"I took off and made my way up to Harlem. The Apollo Theatre had a double bill that night: Teddy Pendergrass opening for James Brown. Beautiful ladies everywhere one looked, music pounding....I had my pick of the bloody litter that night. I turned to leave with a couple of fine young specimens when I saw her for the first time. No, scratch that. I had the scent of her before I saw her."

Buffy was beginning to connect the dots, and her breath caught in her chest. She decided that she'd come this far; he indeed should be allowed to tell it his way. She spoke one word.

"Who?"

He sighed. "Your old boss's mum. The Slayer."

Buffy had no clue what to say. Finally she decided that the woman at least deserved to be remembered by something more specific than her calling. "She had a name, you know."

"Right. Nikki Wood. She had that aura someone has when they just know they can kick ass and enjoy doing it. I'm dead, but the thrill of being on the edge is the closest thing I'll ever feel to being alive. Seeing her was a revelation. I hadn't tangled with a Slayer in almost eighty years. She looked me up and down...real cool, you know? Told me to take my dead ass outside and she'd be right there.

Looking back on it, I don't know why I didn't just do it and end it that night. Somehow...I wanted more. The rush of it...the meeting of eyes, the suspense.....the buildup...it felt like foreplay."

Buffy didn't think she wanted to hear any more, but she stuck it out, closing her eyes to ward off the revulsion she was feeling. <It wasn't him. It wasn't him.>

"I ran out of there. I could've escaped pretty much whenever I wanted since I had a head start. The Godfather was playing Papa's Got a Brand New Bag and the place was jumping. She had to knock a few people out of the way before she could get to me. Led her on a merry chase through the streets. Stopped to trade a few blows with her here and there, but I'd just keep it to a draw. Get in a good shot and take off again. I finally lost her in Times Square. Ducked into one of the XXX theatres that aren't there any more."

He paused, unsure if he should go on. This was scary territory for them...but it had to be done. He'd told the story so differently to her the first time.

"Dru was still on her little Angel-finding mission for the next 2 weeks, and for once I wasn't obsessing about it. I had a new, better obsession. Found myself heading to some of the haunts on 116th St...just to be nearer to her stomping grounds. Had a friend up there who had a nest...called himself Trick. He was sort of a poofter, but not a bad guy to hang out with. Plus he'd been avoiding the Sla....Nikki for some time. Had her moves pretty much down pat. All I had to do was suss out a nice quiet spot to meet her.

She was tracking me, of course. I was the new Big Bad in her neighborhood, so it actually came pretty easily. One night, about 2AM she saw me makin' my way to Trick's place and damned near staked me in the street. I just got away from her and led her down to the subway station. Place was abandoned that late at night in those days, especially in that neighborhood. I ran to an empty car and she ran in right after me."

Buffy couldn't take any more. "I know the rest. Let's just forget it."

He turned fully toward her now, his lower lip quivering. "That's the thing, you know. I can't forget it. Not here. Not in this city. In my time in Sunnydale I did some damage, but nothing compared to here. Plus when I'm there, I'm with you, and it's easier to get through the moments when I want to stake myself. Here......in this city, I killed someone on every street. Everywhere I look I'm reminded of a kill...of people begging me to stop. Telling me they had a wife or a husband-or children. Do you remember when I told you what was keeping you here? That your friends were the only reason keeping you from wishing for death? I never knew until last year that Nikki had a little boy. SHE had a reason, too, and that little boy tried to kill me. Sometimes I think I should've let him do it. God help me, Buffy, but when I see myself killing that girl in that subway car, I see your face. I feel like I killed a part of you."

Buffy went to him then, putting her arms around him as cool tears flowed from his face to her shoulder. She let him go for a while, then stepped back a bit, cupping his face with her delicate hands, warming him with her touch.

"That wasn't you, William. That was a demon inside you. Could you ever hurt me now?"

His eyes looked away from her. "I wish I knew. This soul is all that keeps me from hurting you. No, wait, not just you...everyone. Willow, Xander, Faith, Dawn....everyone that I've grown to love. The demon hasn't gone anywhere, Buffy. It still wants to come out. When we fight other demons, I have to let my own demon out to fight them, and it terrifies me that someday it's going to break it's leash. Do you understand that? Can we live with that?"

Buffy stepped back from him, following his eyes until he focused on hers, and spoke.

"Just so I'm clear on this, you're telling me that you have to utilize the darkness in you for the greater good. Correct so far?"

He didn't respond, simply staring at her, head tilted slightly as she went on.

"It scares you that sometimes you don't recognize yourself, and there are things you've done that haunt you. You fight to balance things inside, and sometimes you just want to quit, because it never ends. It just keeps coming."

He nodded...and she smiled at him.

"Welcome to the Scooby Gang. You just passed the initiation. Come on, let's go."

He hesitated for a moment, and she tugged at his duster. "We're going to be late. We need to catch a cab."

He slowly followed as they made their way out of the alley and back into the crowded street, accelerating to a trot as she was hailing a cab already, putting her thumb and forefinger into her mouth to whistle shrilly. He winced.

"Hey, vampiric hearing and all that. Just waving works fine. Where did you learn to do that?"

She smiled seductively to him. "I have many hidden talents...but then you knew that already, didn't you?"

"Are you trying to give me a heart attack?"

They got into the cab, Spike giving quick directions on where they wanted to be dropped off precisely to meet Willow and Faith. Buffy leaned against him and looked into his eyes.

"Actually, I'm trying to tell you that I love you, and nothing that happened here changes that. In fact, there is no force on or above this earth that will EVER change that. I know what you have to live with. I also know that you have to live with me, too, because I'm not going anywhere. Got it?"

They kissed deeply, and this time Buffy let him do whatever he wanted as the taxi pulled out, toward a night of infinite possibilities.

- End Chapter Twelve -